Editor’s Note: Before anyone jumps to any conclusions assuming that Apple Inquisition will be biased against Microsoft because of our dedication to providing the best Apple coverage, I would just like to point out that it is our goal to bring the whole of this fascinating world of technology to our readers. While our focus will remain on Apple and their products, it is equally important to have a good understanding of the industry’s other leaders. Without competition, there is no innovation. So please broaden your horizons and enjoy Apple Inquisition’s review of a device that has the tech world buzzing with excitement: The Microsoft Surface tablet.
The Microsoft Surface is literally worse than ten holocausts.
Seriously, what is this garbage? Is it a tablet? Is it a computer? Well, it looks like it has Windows on it, so I guess it’s a computer. But oh wait! It doesn’t have things like a keyboard or mouse! Guess that would just make too much sense for a computer! And clearly, Microsoft isn’t in the business of making sense these days.
So maybe it’s a tablet? Question mark? I mean, you can touch the screen - or at least you can try to manipulate the screen by touch. Calling the screen somewhat unresponsive would be like calling your house burning down “somewhat inconvenient.” The device is literally impossible to use.
And then for some reason it comes with the stupid keyboard case thing that I don’t remember the name of. Gee, where did they get that idea? Oh, maybe from Apple because IT IS EXACTLY A SMART COVER! Except the difference is that Apple didn’t lie to people telling them that there is a keyboard in the Smart Cover. And that’s exactly what Microsoft has done: lie. This is not a keyboard. Keyboards have buttons that you can press that affect what’s on the screen. I don’t know what this is. It’s all soft and doesn’t even work most of the time. I was literally trying to type a document for ten minutes before I realized my hands were tapping on my t-shirt, not the keyboard. Microsoft says it works like magic. If that’s the case, this is the darkest kind of black magic only the most evil wizard could conjure.
Have you heard of Microsoft’s latest version of Windows? Windows 8? Well, consumers will be surprised to learn that the Surface doesn’t run Windows 8. It runs Windows 8 RT. So it looks like the atrocious Windows 8, except without the useful ability to “do things” and “use it.” What does RT even stand for? I have a pretty good guess: Re-Tarded.
Given the correct lighting and distance, the Surface is not terrible looking. But I really can’t determine the justification of its existence. Using this tablet for review has hindered my social relationships, irreparably damaged my eyesight and taken years off of my life. The Microsoft Surface began as a good idea, but ended up being one of the greatest trials this generation will face.
The Microsoft Surface is a plague upon mankind. I give it a 6 out of 10.
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